Too Good To Me
by Casual-Laurie
Summary: Kimmer. After a particularly hard mission, everything becomes to much for Harry Kim and he ends up doing something to himself that he later regrets. Luckily, his boyfriend, Arnold Rimmer, is there to help, but how will Captain Janeway react? TW: Self harm, depression. Mush, fluff, angst. Rated T for safety.


Harry sighed as he entered his and Arnold's quarters, wiping tears from his face. He looked around quickly, calling out Arnold's name twice before deciding Arnold wasn't in. _He's probably at the holodeck again._ Harry thought as he flopped down on the sofa, slightly relieved that Arnold wasn't here to see him cry.

Harry had just come back from a mission, and he'd nearly killed the Ensign who'd been assigned on the mission with him. The Captain had trusted him, and he'd blown it. Not to mention he had 3 reports to write, an early shift the next morning and 4 night shifts in a row. Harry broke down on the sofa, unable to contain it any longer.

He suddenly had an idea, one he hadn't thought about since they'd gotten lost in the Delta Quadrant. He reached a hand in his pocket and pulled out his pocketknife. Flicking the blade out, he remembered the first time he'd used it, the reason he'd replicated the thing in the first place.

Getting lost in the Delta Quadrant had been hard for everyone, but Harry had appeared to be the most affected by it. He'd resorted to cutting a few days after they'd gotten lost, once it had finally set in that Earth was 70,000 light-years away.

Harry rolled up his sleeve and placed the blade against his wrist, just feeling the cool metal against his warm skin. He pressed down slightly, watching with satisfaction as a drop of blood rolled down his wrist and dripped onto the floor.

He began making more cuts, paying no attention to the pain or the amount of blood now pouring from the cuts. He was just _so damn angry _with himself. He wanted to cut his skin to ribbons. He continued slicing at his arm, not noticing the bathroom door open.

Harry clenched his teeth as he began cutting deeper. He didn't register the hands gripping the top of his arms, nor did he recognise the voice screaming his name in his ear. He only saw red. He cut again, what was it now, the fifteenth cut? He was unaware of the grip tightening on his upper arms and the urgent voice, muffled in his mind.

Harry went to cut again, but two hands covered the hand holding the knife. When Harry realised he couldn't move the knife, he blinked, and suddenly realised someone was in the room with him, that someone had seen him.

Harry looked at his arm and dropped the knife in shock. He'd done that? Had he… Had he really done that to himself?

"Harry… Say something…"

_Arnold…_ Harry choked back a sob as he looked up warily at Arnold's concerned expression.

"Arn- I-I don't…"

"Shh, it's alright." Arnold whispered, moving to sit next to Harry and taking the young Ensign in his arms. Harry broke, sobbing against Arnold's chest. Arnold whispered words of comfort as he ran a hand through Harry's hair. "It's okay. You're okay." Arnold kissed the top of Harry's head.

"I-I'm sorry…" Harry whispered.

"Don't be sorry… Don't apologise, it's alright… I'm here." Arnold promised him.

"D-don't…. Don't leave…" Harry trembled, clinging to Arnold as if his life depended on it.

"I'm not, I promise." Arnold told him, picking up the knife. "I'm gonna keep this for now, okay?" He asked. Harry blinked, looking like he'd been slapped in the face.

"O-okay…" Harry agreed. Arnold kissed the top of his head and pocketed the knife.

"We have to get you to sickbay. These cuts are too deep…" Arnold told him, examining his arm.

"I-I-"

"No, Harry, I'm sorry… but we have to…" Arnold tightened his grip on the Ensign before tapping his comm-badge. "Arnold to Captain Janeway."

_"__Janeway here."_

"N-no!" Harry shot up, crying out in pain. "No… y-you can't tell her…"

_"__Tell me what? Arnold, what's going on?" _The Captain asked.

"I'm sorry, Harry…" Arnold kissed his forehead. "Captain, Harry's hurt. I'd like you to meet us in sickbay please. I'll explain there."

_"__Of course. Janeway out."_

"Arn… don't…"

"Harry, I love you… I don't want to lose you… She's just going to help you, I promise." Arnold held him close and stood, pulling Harry up with him. "You okay to walk?" Arnold asked. Harry nodded, leaning heavily against Arnold. Arnold kissed the top of Harry's head once more before they made their way to sickbay, luckily unseen.

"Computer, activate EMH!" Arnold yelled as he half dragged a nearly unconscious Harry into sickbay. The Captain, who had apparently gotten there before them, took one look at Harry and gasped. The doctor shimmered into existence as Arnold lay Harry down on the bio-bed.

"Please sate the nature of the medical emergency." He deadpanned before fully taking in Harry's condition.

"He's lost a lot of blood. I had to calm him down before I could get him here." Arnold told him. The Captain moved to Harry's bedside and took his hand in hers. Harry couldn't bear to look at her after what he'd done.

"We need the dermal regenerator. It's over there, on the tray." The doctor told Arnold. Arnold nodded and rushed to get it.

"Harry… calm down…" The Captain soothed, gently stroking Harry's forehead. Harry hadn't realised how fast he was breathing.

"Y-yes… Ma-am." Harry trembled.

"Harry… Did you do this yourself?" She asked. Harry nodded, unable to say anything.

"He didn't mean to cut as much as he had." Arnold told her as he handed the doctor the dermal regenerator. "He looked confused when he saw the cuts." Both Arnold and the Captain watched as the doctor ran the dermal regenerator over the cuts. "I couldn't get through to him for a while. I kept shaking him and calling to him but he was too angry… I-I don't think I've ever been so scared..." Arnold whispered.

"Never… Never meant to h-hurt you…" Harry whimpered. Arnold nodded.

"I know, baby… I know." Arnold smiled sadly at Harry before turning back to the Captain. "I took the knife off him. I'd like to give it to you, so there's no chance of him finding it." He explained, handing her the knife. She nodded gratefully.

"Thank you."

"Ma'am, if I may…" Arnold took the Captain's arm and tugged slightly, indicating that he wanted to talk to her alone. The Captain released Harry's hand, looking over him a few seconds before following Arnold. "Captain, you should have seen how terrified he was when he realised what he'd done… I don't think he even realised he was doing it."

"What're you saying?" She asked, slightly confused.

"I'm saying he just needs a few days to himself to calm down and accept what happened. He's a lot happening to him at the same time, and these shifts aren't doing him any favours."

"He's never complained about the shifts before."

"He's just doing his job, trying to please his Captain. I see how he looks up to you like a mother, and I see how hard he tries to please you, but he clearly can't cope with this much at one time."

"You're right. I'll give him the week off. I'll find other people to write the reports. I trust you'll keep a close eye on him?" The Captain asked.

"Yes, Ma'am!" Arnold did his trademark salute.

"Good. I'm needed on the bridge. Excuse me." She nodded and turned to leave, looking over at Harry. "I'll be in my ready room if you ever need to talk." She smiled sadly at him. Harry nodded and the Captain left.

"A-Arn?" Harry reached out. Arnold moved over and took Harry's hand.

"You got next week off. No reports, not shifts, just you and me." Arnold told him. Harry nodded. "Everything will get better, you'll see."

A few days later, Harry and Arnold were sat on the sofa in each other's arms. Arnold lay on the sofa, while Harry was sprawled on top of him, laughing at a joke Arnold had just told.

The cutting incident hadn't been forgotten. In fact, it hung over them both like a storm cloud waiting to shoot lightning everywhere. Looking up, Harry grinned and kissed his lover.

"We still haven't had breakfast." Arnold chuckled.

"It o'eight hundred hours. We have loads of time." Harry smiled. "You know, I'm in the mood for pancakes!" Harry exclaimed happily. Arnold laughed.

"Banana or chocolate?" Arnold asked. Harry thought for a moment.

"Both?"

"Only because I love you." Arnold laughed, sitting up. Harry jumped off the sofa and sat down at the table while Arnold replicated breakfast. Harry grinned as the pancakes were placed in front of him.

"Arn, you are too good to me." Harry laughed. Arnold smiled. It hurt that everything they did or said somehow reminded them of what had happened a few days before, but they were working on it. They were coping together, and that was all they needed.


End file.
